my life my shit

2011-06-28T23:04:00.000+08:00

It is an act of faith to tend a flower. The rewards are not immediate. We have to persevere and be patient. We have to continue to spend time on doing something that isn't immediately rewarding.

2011-06-06T22:09:00.002+08:00

people should know where they stand, and not ask and hope for things that are way beyond means. especially when it affects those around. this is call 自不量力.

oh, and you.. all these times doesn't mean that when i don't say, i really don't know. i just pretend not to know, cos' your life is screwed up by yourself. i can't be bothered with you. what's up with those lies?

2011-05-25T23:49:00.000+08:00

I will break this chain that binds me~

happiness will find me~

Leave the past behind me~

today my life begins~

A whole new world is waiting~

it's mine for taking~

I know I can make it~

today my life begins~

2011-03-28T21:08:00.000+08:00

whenever i miss you, i just play tetris. but i know i'm always going to have that one missing piece.

2011-03-08T23:13:00.001+08:00

everyone has their way with coping this life. i don't like march, please go away soon.

there can be miracles, when you believe.

2011-03-01T22:24:00.000+08:00

“These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Free and flying like a bird.

2011-02-22T22:28:00.003+08:00

I'm so pleased right now. nice song playing through with my room that is ever so dim. and a drawing that beautifies my world. Great~ Hell lots of things are over and I managed to go through each of them. happy or not, it's gone! I'll take things as they come now, if i'm given a chance to study i'll take it. If i'm given a chance to work in that co. or the other co. , i'll take it too. Everything that is coming at me are well, things that i wanna do. Peace at last. Happy and smiling at last. Freedom at last. Honestly, I'm happy with life. either this or that, i'll receive them with contentment. nobody is going to pull me back, i'm just going to do what i want. eat,sleep,draw,shit,play and the list goes on ...

2011-02-17T21:21:00.000+08:00

"Sometimes the thing that ruins my day the most is having something funny happen to me and finding that the only person I want to tell about it is the person whom I’m slowly trying to burn bridges with because no one else would understand.

It’s almost like finding leftover secrets in your pocket that you forgot to tell the one person you trusted the most, or memories you suddenly remembered that relate to something that person once told you that now you wish you could share, or stepping into a place only to realize the last time you were there was with that person and it was a moment you’d want both of you to relive together, or it’s like finding something you saved for that person to have the next time you planned on seeing them.. except you never saw them again.

And my biggest fear is exactly that — never having that person again."

2011-02-12T23:30:00.001+08:00

fake a smile, force a laughter. life is enchanting enough.

the worst nightmare is over, and you were here holding my hands.

2011-01-30T23:30:00.003+08:00

I need to have a Thank You speech like a really long one. but no i'm not so touchy and feely and mushy. right but still friends who have been there i know who you are and Thank You so much. seriously, only i get how it felt. and pretty soon i'll be at a junction of choices yet again. tough one this time who knows what it dictates in each turn. not much anticipation and not much unwillingness. perhaps a little more dose of happiness. well, i'm very sure i gonna make a lot more mistakes, stumble and fall like a bee, but then most of the times the greatest rewards comes from doing things that scare you the most, maybe just this once i might just get everything that i have wished for, or maybe i'll get more then i've ever imagined. who knows where life takes you. The road is long, but life always have a way in working out. for now, let's just keep moving forward and not give a crap what anybody thinks.

2011-01-23T01:50:00.001+08:00

I don’t want to battle from beginning to end
I don’t want a cycle of recycled revenge
I don’t want to follow Death and all of his friends

2011-01-19T23:44:00.000+08:00

Life is too short, and all one could ever want is to be happy. Time to know that every minute is ticking and ticking and hardly would you get the chance to have things back again and again. We, or rather me, should wake up and seriously know that life is too short to be unhappy we just have to take the good with the bad. Life still goes on and on. It's f***ed up, yes i know but what else can we do? i'm only human after all, i have my emotions, i have my feelings. The reason why i've kept quiet all the F***ing time is because i just can't be bothered to talk to you, you whom i know is just another stubborn retard who can't seem to have listening ears. enough is enough. as per usual, i'm just gonna swallow all the shit you give but to the day i explode, please count your blessings.

2011-01-17T01:45:00.000+08:00

give me a break.

i want to be free.

2011-01-09T20:09:00.001+08:00

it's just so frustrating to be doing things that is so upsetting. Can't wait for time to fly by. I want to do things that i want. I want my freedom. Crap Crap Crap.

SIGH~

2011-01-06T01:33:00.001+08:00

things will get better. i'm sure. it will all turn out fine.

oh yes, it will.

2011-01-02T21:03:00.000+08:00

awwwww~ having your company is just like having a cup of hot chocolate on a rainy night.

thanks! :)

2010-12-29T21:25:00.002+08:00

In all aspects of the mind, it still lingers and creeps about. I have to keep reminding myself constantly what my Heavenly Father says. And I have to repeating and reading the lines to make sure it doesn't slipped off my mind. I have to embrace my enemies and love them and even pray for them. Well, I'll follow and abide in it but those people... it's not that I hate them it's just that I feel better when they are not around.

Changes are so hard especially when you have to run up and catch the tails, most of the times I barely lay my fingers on it. There are a lot of unexplainable things in life and again the same old reply would be: there's nothing to be done. And many things are just not meant to be and perhaps the hardest thing is to say goodbye. But in my case, saying hello again is what brings you down. It seems so impossible to bear in the arms of the tired and weary. But then again, of all times it is because of change that life is going on, and that we are all surviving.

I cannot even handle myself, what am I to think further?

2010-12-27T21:09:00.002+08:00

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough troubles of it's own.

-Matthew 6:34

Thank you for my being friend but i dont deserve it.

2010-12-26T17:26:00.005+08:00

snap* and it breaks. reckon it's too late. you are tired, so am i. I am just dumb + dense + clueless which is why it makes me so hard to understand your every sentence. I am very selfish, yes i admit. I need, want, and can only handle a friend who would be as dense as my level. In my personal context, friends just don't have to turn about and have other messages and meaning buried one after another. It just doesn't make any sense. best friend forever, and i mean forever. you know every well that it wasn't easy to let you in. and because you broke that wall, you are never just a normal person in my life. especially after the harsh truth i've faced. you always have your proud know-it-all self, that ego which is way higher then the moon up there and that is something i thought was rather impressive. something i'm so happy that you have it in you. other people might not appreciate it, other people may put it down, but who cares? you are you. i never knew it was so tiring for you to be my friend. i didn't know that it would upset you.

maybe i don't deserve a friend like you.

maybe right from the start you shouldn't have spent your efforts on me.

maybe it's better if we stop everything.

"it is possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while it's not so overwhelming."

i should have known for the better that someone like me should be left alone.

please locked me up in a box and never let me out.

2010-12-22T21:43:00.002+08:00

My fault for assuming.

for the thought that as a friend for so many years, could understand and know what I actually meant.

My fault for assuming.

that it doesn't really matter on the how, when, where, what and whys.

My fault for assuming.

that all upsetting emotions would be laid on the table just me and you.

but no, you had to go and tell another.

well.

lesson learnt, no matter how long, no matter how much. there is no such thing as forever. and NEVER EVER EVER ASSUME. no diff man, no diff.

the season of love, that is.

2010-12-18T21:38:00.002+08:00

so don't you think that we often write things that we cannot speak and somehow hopes that someone out there would understand how you had felt. not necessary agreeing with you but just the nod and says oh yeah, i know how you felt. that's comforting enough, isn't it so? despite so much, i haven't really had the chance to know anyone. oh but the matter of fact i don't even know myself, not even a tiny whiny little bit. and a lot of times, i scare myself- a lot more then i have anticipated. i could feel all hopeful and happy yet the next i could feel the angst and despair. i guess this makes a human, a typical of a woman. this time round, i really don't want to be setting myself up again, for a fall. yet once again i'm willing to try. why? why? why? and why? i'm so so sorry, very sorry to be calling on you only when i needed help. Dear God, if i were to speak would you be here to listen? but please, there's really no one else. So God, please forgive me for not being faithful to you. Here I am, given the average life, with plenty of food and privileges that so many people could hope for but could never get, and yet I’m not using it to the fullest. In fact, I’m not appreciating any of my blessings fully. I try to, but I know it’s not enough, because I’m miserable, my life is. It’s just, everything I do, every single little thing I do, I feel like I’m doing wrong. I wished somebody can tell me what am i supposed to do next. If only i could just kind of disappear...

Walking down the street of Orchard Road, with lots and lots of happy people around, very nice Christmas lights and nice warm songs playing here and there. Yet i felt extremely extremely... ... ... i don't even know how to describe how i've felt. and what is worst is that you are not even there anymore. because when i'm sad, and then you smile at me and suddenly i feel fine. i miss you, i always do. right after you turn your back and walk away, that's when i miss you the most. but i know i shouldn't be greedy and i should very well be contented that at least we are friends. what more is there to ask for? I shouldn't be trying too hard for something that'll never work out in the end anyways. I should just give up, let go of this horrible feeling.

2010-12-15T21:37:00.000+08:00

i keep on forgetting what i wanted to do and then i drift off to something else. =.="

2010-12-10T01:29:00.001+08:00

maybe

perhaps

all along, i've was wrong. which explains why it didn't work out.

2010-12-08T22:49:00.002+08:00

.......................................................................................................................................................................................................

................................................................... i d ont kn ow w ha t to w r ite... i h op e

y ou ar e d oi n g o k. g et r id o f th e flu bug. and, goodnights.

2010-12-07T21:29:00.004+08:00

i want to whine.

i need to whine.

i have to whine.

and maybe go arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr and arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr and arrrrrrrrrrr....

my mind is in a cluster, i feel flustered all the time. i dont know what to do and i dont know what i want to do. and it applies to everything. and i mean every single thing.

School sucks,

wth is wrong??? i play hide and seek everyday.. and i must say i'm good at it. i've lost all the excitement and all those sarcasm isnt helping at all. it's not that i dont want but i just cant. i just dont see the point in it, and i know for sure i'm not going to make design my career. i'm just not up to it. but if i never try i never know, so nope i did not regret taking design. frankly speaking, because of design i learnt one of the most important lessons : which is how disgusting human can be and it assures me even more then i can jolly well live life on my own. another 7 more weeks... it will be over soon. 3 months of hell and i overcame it, what is this 7 weeks? till then, i shall use more effort to breathe so as to stay alive.

I'm so so so speechless. I get to know a fact that i didnt expect it to happen. how can something like that happen... and i'm not in a position to comment. but how am i suppose to react? how am i suppose to look at you? how am i suppose to pretend that i dont know?

i've begin to wonder, if it is that precious? or maybe it's nothing. or maybe i'm too conservative. maybe...

it is very bothering, very very bothering.

oh wells... back to reality, i've to start cracking and get some work done tonight.

and continue with my arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....................................

2010-12-06T23:08:00.003+08:00

alright... so it's been a long long since i last wrote smth. all because of tumblr but guessed it's much easier to pen down thoughts here. School started, mid-crit ended, another mid-crit also ended, one more coming up, bff's birthday has passed, and mine too, christmas is coming and so 2010 is coming to an end. thank god, it's ending. yet another meaningless and nothing to do year has gone by. so is one year of my life which means i'm one year closer to death. cheers. but i would say i'm happy that this year happened the way it did. for i realised i hate design, i always thought i like it. and i've swallowed so much, didnt know i could take it. well done, fel, well done.

most imptly, i've met a new sweet friend. :)

Christmas quickly come.

i need a good cry.

2010-09-30T02:12:00.001+08:00

I want a son like him

2010-09-28T13:07:00.000+08:00

You know how in Tetris, you keep building and building only to leave that one gap open for the one piece that fits it just right hoping that it will arrive when you need it the most? I feel just like that almost all the time — that all I’m really looking for is that one piece and all I keep getting handed to me are all the other ones that just cause more trouble because they never quite fit like one I keep waiting for to show up.

2010-09-19T12:46:00.000+08:00

I hate not having enough time in the day to THINK.

Too many things on my mental list of things to do. There’s always another deadline. Dead line. Miss the line and you’re dead. Cross the line and you’re dead.

Why can’t we call them happylines? Sort of like happy trails. Get this done and you’ll be happy. Follow the line and you’ll smile at the end.

Cross the line and you just finished in first place, face beaming, goal accomplished.

I want a sticker and pink ribbon, please.

2010-09-08T21:59:00.002+08:00

Some things are really hard to write about. After something happens, you go to write it down, and either you over dramatize it, or you underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want it to. And the only kind of life i can conceptualise right now is the kind where we just keep going. So this is what we do. Whatever happens is going to happen, and there's no way to know right now what will. ’m tired of trying to figure out where to put you in my life, or if I should just cast you out entirely. I’m sick of having so much to say to you when I know I won’t ever tell you the majority of my thoughts. I want you to stop existing. I want you to stay with me forever.

2010-09-06T22:43:00.001+08:00

finally it's Sept, the long awaited September finally arrived. now, i cant wait for 2010 to end. quickly...

2010-08-29T21:00:00.002+08:00

There are times when the most beautiful moon is hanging in the sky I cant help but think of all those that had been and all the things that havent been and all the things that are yet to be And i will wonder what is going on in the sky and also if the world will ever make any sense to me if i will ever truly understand anything... and if theres really really anything to understand at all There are moments where i just want to crawl into my bed and hide under the covers and never ever ever want to resurface.

2010-08-22T23:01:00.001+08:00

My favorite word now : Kan Chiong spider
ahahahaha!!

2010-08-20T00:09:00.000+08:00

sometimes it gets a little far off,
sometimes it gets a little more then tiring,
sometimes it feels a little lesser the nothing,
sometimes it feels a little bit nerve wrecking.
but i'll still keep you close to heart.

in this insane world with a whirlpool of emotions,
just maybe someday,
i'll tell you how my heart cringes when i think of you.

this is just so sweet.

2010-08-11T22:02:00.001+08:00

Dear You,

I will admit that sometimes I really do wonder if you exist.

There is a part of every little girl’s heart that envisions her prince charming. At age three, it is usually of a man who can save her from the wrath of an evil stepmother, wake her from eternal slumber or give her that true love’s kiss.

In elementary school, he becomes the boy with the least cooties, the one who’s willing to cross the playground to share his Oreos even if it makes him a target for the week of all the other boys.

Come high school, it’s that boy you stand with at prom, who your father stared down at the door, who provided you with an experience complete with photos you will cringe at a decade later, a corsage that yellows in the refrigerator, and a faded memory of a night that seemed almost too magical to be real.

Nineteen years into this life, however, and still unwilling to give my heart away, I am still that same little girl who hopes for her prince charming. And although I wonder why it has taken you this long to sweep me off my feet and whisk me off to your palace on horseback, I know that it is probably because meeting you will be better than any fairytale I could’ve read as a kid.

A couple of heartbreaks and a few years wiser though, I will admit that there are times when I question your existence. Because I have yet to meet the guy who makes me hear songs like “All My Life” or “A Whole New World” in my head when I see him does not mean I don’t hope that it’ll ever happen.

I may already know you or may still meet you someday—something I leave completely up to God because I’m pretty sure our story will be epic.

However, I can’t promise you that I’d make the world’s most perfect princess. In fact I’ll probably keep you on your toes and amuse you with my eccentricities—there are a lot of them. I’ll probably steal a bunch of your T-shirts and turn them into shirt dresses, or drive you slightly mad with my obsessive compulsivity and my need to fix your collar constantly.

I can promise to be your best friend however—that person you can rant to after a rough day, the hand you can hold when you get sad, or the person you can text when situations get awkward.

I’ll probably mess up your hair sometimes and hug you for too long, but that’ll only be because I absolutely adore you. I’ll bury my head in your shoulder during scary movies and make you feel like superman when you kill those flying cockroaches that really shouldn’t exist. I’ll cook your favorite food on your birthday and try my best to make friends with your mom.

I’ll respect your nights-out with the boys and make you seem like the perfect guy to my barkada. I’ll watch basketball or soccer games with you, and not complain when you cheer too loudly at the TV set.

I’ll know the difference between giving you space and being constantly there for you—even if it means sitting and playing video games with you or taking hot chocolate runs when it rains.

I’ll listen to your music and we’ll go on epic adventures together—seeing the world, taking awesome pictures, eating awesome food, and never running out of things to tell each other along the way.

I won’t be waiting for you to sweep me off my feet and take me on a magic carpet ride, because I know I won’t need anything like that to fall for you—I will love you for you.

You will be that someone to make goofy faces with in pictures, to lace fingers with when I’m lonely, and to take long walks under the stars with on the beach.

You’ll be the guy who takes me the way I am—and will laugh as I burst into Disney song or pick out pink wallpaper.

You’ll be that someone I envision a future with—us filling out visa forms as we travel the universe, picking out our first dog together and arguing about what to name it, or being snap-happy stage parents in our preschooler’s annual mini-plays. And I keep hoping that maybe someday when we find each other, you will become that someone whose smile I wake up to in the morning and the last one I speak to every night.

So to the man I know does exist, and who will help me maybe make sense of the world someday, this man I can’t wait to love. Please know that I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. But for now, I wait. Fingers crossed and palms held together, I hope that you’re out there somewhere, waiting for me, too.

With the hope I will be yours for always,

Me

2010-08-10T00:37:00.002+08:00

ok crappy as it is, the weather seriously dampens my mood. I no longer feel design.
Like a dog that bites and never let go. FINE i'll give you a bonus, you can bite and DRAG. and yes I wont struggle. HAPPY?

crap.

I hate it all, I hate how there's nothing i can do. and i know it when my senses tells me everybody secretly hates me. isn't it tiring to wear masks everyday. Can time please just move faster so i can get out of this hellhole. Tell me what to do, why like that, why?

And all of that i find it hard to do.

2010-07-29T00:10:00.002+08:00

It's going to be a nice change. Only if..., there's one. So let's just say, I'll be courageous enough to stop thinking about idiotic people that makes me sad. Then, I'll live life happy. And I shall too, get it in my thick skull that sometimes no matter how hard I try, being enough is just completely out of my reach.

2010-07-26T00:24:00.002+08:00

ok great, it's been 4 weeks which means to say 1/3 of the nightmare is over. i'm taking one step at a time. and the best thing to do? nonchalant and indifferent, are the two best words i've ever known so far. i've begin to learn that that they don't really worth it- me feeling bad or guilty. for not producing the kind of work i think i should. so i guess as long as it's enough for me to get over and pass this whole damn thing, life's good. haha =D take it easy ppl, take it easy...

Right, and so i spent my weekend fruitful - my kind of fruitful. it's been some time since i last visit the home, ever since they shifted. and it's-so-cool, to have the pin number locked kind of door. but as soon as i stepped in, i'm so overwhelmed by their feelings. It's like my presence made them disappointed, you could see every head turned, and every pair of eyes that sparkles looking at you- hoping that it's someone they have been waiting for all along, their family. Only to realize that i'm not and continue dreaming away. I would never want this to happen again, ever again. And the saddest thing of all is to know that this is life, there's nothing i can do about it. but just stand and watch and pretend that it's nothing and walk away. I hate myself for that. Seriously, what's wrong with this world?

I just keep telling myself.
I will be seeing you soon and it will be better then anything else.
This keeps me going.. for all the reasons why i don't know.

thank you.

2010-07-18T15:25:00.002+08:00

i'm so glad.. that at least besides everything else there's a friend i can relate to. who would listen, encourage and advice. so for once, i wouldn't feel so cast away. and that maybe just this time, i don't need to work so hard at keeping a conversation alive and i could speak like there's nothing to hide. the last time i did smth like that was probably fifteen years ago. the harsh reality of this world and human-to-human relationship is way too difficult to grasp.

so... take it easy. ( i remind myself, all the time)

it is said to be "Honeymoon"

2010-06-30T23:19:00.003+08:00

3 days and i'm still alive and kicking. i'm still very worried, very anxious, very afraid. i've nothing to lose. a lot to learn. and all of this makes me feel so small, so stupid. it just seem to get harder and harder each day. i've a lot to say, but i can't seem to find a pair of listening ears. everyone's so busy, so occupied. i guess i'll just keep it and carry it around. maybe till i explode and die, i just have to live with it. i'm so tired, but i can't even sleep without worries. in my whole 18 and a half years, i've never ever been so exhausted and time didn't fly by so quickly before. but the bottom line is, i get to learn a lot. so much that every single cell on me is exploding with gratitude.
Some things are meant to happen.
Some things are bound to be.
some things have away to make doubting hearts to believe.
Some things in spite of difference, sometimes against all odds somethings are meant to happen.

so i just have to accept it.

full of jitters that could have killed

2010-06-27T22:53:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow is the day. It feels like one is being put to the test. the real world kind. and by the end of it, it's gonna be too much of an obvious if a girl like me is really suitable in a world of deign - my passion. Too often, the thing you want the most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. But not knowing what one wants seems to be more terrifying. My heart is feeling all the jitters and it just feels like someone with hands as huge as michael jackson's is squeezing it. I spent the entire weekend out and seems like it didn't help much in distracting. what a failure attempt. my heart is really squeezy, like pasa malam during chinese new year. this is seriously nerve wrecking. Time usually flies by, but at a junction like this it will play a trick can go extremely s l o w.

i would love to talk to you all the time. but this time round, i'll learn to take it slow. since wise men says only fools rush in.

2010-06-23T00:11:00.001+08:00

be good to yourself. =)

2010-06-15T12:56:00.002+08:00

It takes a lot just for me to be happy but it takes very little for me to be upset.
I need to learn to be more appreciative of everything else around me. Every moment seems so s l o w. but it's just a delusion. time to move like really moooove.

I feel old...

2010-06-01T02:36:00.003+08:00

this space has been existing since 2008, year 1 then. and now it's the last week of year 3 term 1, with the project on hand it's rather relaxing. On second thought, i've been through 150 contour drawing of insane hands, plus the crash of a few deadlines. so this wouldn't weigh that much on my shoulder. I think time goes by too fast, and i hope it slows down a little. But every single moment i'm breathing, I hope time can fly by. how ironic. I wanted to pen down some thoughts initially, but guess they couldn't make their way here, stucked somewhere in my throat. no maybe not throat, my fingers literally. It's my last year as a student and i wonder what entails out there. Exactly at this time next year what the hell would i be doing?
Of so many times, just how could i do smth i really want or rather smth that i can accomplished with great empathy.
Life is getting harder and harder, it's more awful then i thought it could be. I guess life wouldn't get any bad as long as i'm still breathing.

I have a lot of questions.
but you will always tell me there's nth i can do about it.
so i will get it in my mind, that THERE'S NTH I CAN DO ABOUT THAT.
and carry on with life, meaninglessly.

2010-04-27T09:26:00.001+08:00

So let’s say that theoretically I really like you. And theoretically, even though it sounds moronically cliché and overused, you give me butterflies. And just for kicks, let’s add that, all in theory of course, you may be the one of the most wonderful people I have ever met. And hypothetically, my heart beats ten times faster when I see you. Do you think that you would supposedly, and in the most theoretical sense… feel the same?

2010-03-29T21:37:00.000+08:00

I get the best feelings, one i never felt before, in the world when you say hi or even smile at me because I know, even for a second, that I've crossed your mind.

For someone who is supposed to be "just a friend" why do i get I butterflies in the stomach when he smiles at me?

it's been some time.

2010-03-28T15:17:00.003+08:00

on such a nice sunday afternoon there's nothing for me to do. school gonna start pretty soon. another 2 more days to work, but it seems we still have stuff to talk about. It is just me or what? i'm a little unsure.......

2010-03-27T22:42:00.000+08:00

"sometimes when i look at you, and you're looking back at me, i can see something. This tweeny wheeny hint of something more, something we are feeling but can't say. When our eyes meets, it's like we are instantly connected. And no one catches it but me and you, but i like it that way."

He said

2010-03-04T21:43:00.001+08:00

Sometimes in life, we have to make decisions and never look back.

2010-02-25T20:56:00.002+08:00

i don't feel like doing homework tonight, so i'm going to throw everything till sunday night after work. gonna be god damn bloody tired, but seriously i'm F***ing hungry and F***ing angry. all just cos i have a PIG as a sister that gobbles up all the food.

2010-02-19T03:12:00.002+08:00

My heart shattered a little more today. Didn't I take the road to avoid?

You made me felt that I shouldn't exist in the same world with you today.
If walking away makes you feel better then I think i'll be fine at the end too.

2010-02-09T22:07:00.002+08:00

I really don't understand why I have to waste my time talking to some people when everything in them is shit. Seriously, what's into this world? And sometimes you just push and push and keep pushing so that you can get your bloody way without even realizing the ordeal that others have to go through because of you and your stupid act. You don't suffer alone, never. I suffer too. If things get mess up again and again, that's cause you couldn't get things your way and you remain a stubborn ass yet at the same time wanting me to play along according to your way. It's all about you and YOUR WAY. And the most important fact is that your way ain't the right way all the time!

2010-02-01T23:22:00.001+08:00

I'm not asking to give all of your heart at one go,but, if you have the thought of giving it bit by bit,
at least that's a start.
I've have started,now, will you?

2010-02-01T00:32:00.003+08:00

of course everything happens for a reason. People change so I can learn to let go. Things go wrong only for me to appreciate them when it's right. I believe in lies eventually to trust no one but myself. I get the feeling where I don't want to talk to anybody. Very often. Who wants to smile and fake happy? but at the same time ironically, doesn't know what's wrong. There isn't a way to explain to someone who doesn't already understand. If I could want anything in the world it would be alone. I hope this feeling will pass soon, but until then all I could do is wait.

2010-01-31T23:59:00.000+08:00

Everytime I miss the chance to talk to you, I feel like i'm stabbed in the heart a thousand times.

2010-01-20T22:33:00.002+08:00

i've trying very hard to chase away this "squeezed" feeling in me. i've a lot left to do, all of which i know what to do but i don't know how. i really don't know if i would be able to continue and survive. i'm struggling. everyday it's just going to sch, then go home. nothing else in my life that i really think it ain't worth living. why do i have to try so hard even if it's just breathing.

2010-01-15T21:26:00.003+08:00

Love has it's limit.
if there ever comes a day when we have to go separate ways, keep my heart with you.
It's all what i have got for you sincerely.

2010-01-12T21:55:00.004+08:00

i really don't think people can change. and you are a little more then disgust. what if you're wrong?, what if that's a mistake. it's taking a toil on me and that i don't think living on is worthwhile. this thing about human and communication is earthly disgusting. it makes me puke out my heart. love and empathy is the top killer.
Because sometimes, forgetting is easier on the heart.

and i really hope it's just a brief moment of infatuation that i have for you and probably it has a slightly longer expiry date.

2010-01-10T23:35:00.004+08:00

i have my fingers aching right now. don't know why my mum has wall painting as a hobby. therefore the family has been painting all day long. all right. not exactly the whole family, cos my sis is literally a pig, and my bro just cannot handle anything that got to do with paint or drawing. and my dad, we concluded that he had old bones. so for every single letter that i'm typing now it hurts. i need to do my work... as usual. i really think ballroom dance is nice, maybe i should have joined that club since year1. but it's not too late now, i'm thinking...

2009-06-14T20:05:00.002+08:00

what a chaotic week it has been, it's like everyone's a walking zombie. And it seems like one touch and it will blow. it feels like i'm tip-toeing to sch everyday. besides all the late night sleep or no sleep is like adding oil to fire. lucky me, for there's something to brighten my moody mood here and there. ok, maybe i should say sorry for something that i don't mean. but the thing is that i have my point of view different from everybody else's, perhaps i should put it in another way. i'll try next time.
my life's pretty busy and i am fine with it, surprisingly. who says that if u keep yourself busy you will not think of things that you don't want to think of, liar. it doesn't work at all. anyways, as usual i'm happy with life though things screw up and i'm like broke, and he is still "running" (get it?) ahaaha!

seems like everywhere i go, i think of him.
it sorta became a habit since don't know when.
the thing about not giving up i don't know why.
for now, i just don't feel like moving.too much of you isn't healthy

2009-06-03T21:53:00.002+08:00

It is through pure coincidence that I have met you
And it is through courage that I speak to you
But it is through love that I adore you
And through love that I feel I need you.

I want you to know that it is not a marital type of love,
Please don’t be afraid.
It is solely the love of friendship that I wish to be with you
And I couldn't even wish that one day you will care for me the same.

I thought that I should tell you that
You melt my heart sometimes.
It just withers away time and time again,
No matter how hard I try to forget these restless feelings inside of me.

I thought that I should tell you that
I know you will never be there for me
The way I want you to be there for me.

I thought that I should tell you that
I know you don’t care about me the same way
That I seem to care for you.

I thought that I should tell you that
I still love you anyway,

And this kills me.

Every time you cross my sight,
You melt my heart all over again.

I thought that i can forget you.

2009-06-02T22:30:00.000+08:00

When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

tmr is the day.

2009-05-28T23:24:00.002+08:00

and so i guess everyone's life is kinda messed up, be it school work, friendship or bgr. they all SUCKS totally. with nothing much of a help i hope i don't add it on.

been rather distracted lately and i kinda lose the interest in shopping, believe it or not. Shopping's like my passion, and now i lost my passion. how sad can my life be ? i'm feeling way too tired, staying in school till the late evenings ain't quite my style, for the sake of him i did. that's kinda stupid of me, but i didn't think of why. being in the club committee isn't my style too, again for the sake of him. seriously, having food at mac and north canteen isn't all good too, and this time round for him i did again. for him, i can do things i don't normally do. for him, i irritated my friends. for him, i made my confession. for him, my world is smiling and crying. for him, i think of nothing but him. seriously, i don't know what the hell i'm typing because my mind is filled with just him.

2009-05-19T21:54:00.003+08:00

It's a world of pretend we are living in, i sorta realize this since sec 2. no one's really true or sincere to another. they are all pretending and that's why i chose to let things go without paying much attention. i might missed out on a lot of fun but then i don't get myself upset over matters that i can't control nor manipulate. just let things be, i wouldn't be pleasing everyone all the time. u might not agree with me, but that's you and this is me. i don't care. u do all sorts to get ur results, i despise on u, girl. if u think u can live life happily this way, that's way too sad. u r so greedy, so fake that i can't stand another moment with u. i think i can live my life alone, at most i just die. nth is a big deal to me.

2009-05-13T21:47:00.002+08:00

it's kinda tormenting to see things i don't want, feelings aside. and i was so distracted that i left my wallet and goodness some 20+ plus dollars and my thumb drive got taken over by another. i guess he/she was kind enough to return it to the admin office. perhaps it reduces the guilt, my ass. sch's work as usual, kinda hard and tiring but still moving on. i don't quite like the Prima Donnas but who cares. whatever. surviving on a few hrs of slp isn't of any help at all and i would gladly appreciate if you could just be more sincere. a little will do, i suppose.

I tried to reach out for you just to be with you
My heart is breakin’

how can i love you if you just don't talk to me, baby.

2009-05-12T22:24:00.002+08:00

it's good that coincidence bring us to the same place.

but your ignorance is killing all that i feel for u.

i don't know how long this will go.

but i'll hold on, till my heart stop fluttering for u.

i'm ok if you don't talk.

i'm ok if you don't smile.

i'm ok if you just walk away.

but please don't make me feel like i'm not there.

2009-05-06T22:42:00.002+08:00

i will not look out for you.

i will not wait for you to come online.

i will not talk to you.

i will not think of you.

i will not care for you.

i will not make my life hard.

i will not smile because of you.

i will not cry because of you.

i will not give you up.

it's me that gave up.

2009-04-30T22:18:00.002+08:00

Right, it's been 2 weeks since sch started and it's like sleepless nights all the way already. HAA.

let's just say i'm really really Lucky. i've got this bump on my head cos i stupidly opened the sch's window. and all i could blame was the design, seriously it's the dumbest design i've ever seen.

i kinda find that communicating with people ain't easy, esp those u see every day. We just don't perceive things the same way which is the biggest barrier. it's like i don't put across my intention to you clearly and neither do you. this world is wrong so fake. i really don't like this and i wished i can stick to my only best friend. good idea ? yes!

there somethings that i really don't wish to let it slipped by but then i really don't know what to do what to say.

sometimes i just wished that you didn't crossed into my life, that sometimes i'll be blind to you.

2009-04-25T14:26:00.002+08:00

SCHOOL STARTED! like finally. ok, so life's back to rushing assignments again. and Club Crawl is so fun. if u ever get what i mean, u know??? i guess i'm a lucky girl.

and i seriously need some COURAGE to open up my mouth to say HI.

but then again lady luck wouldn't be shining on me all the time.

i really should have stopped him by the pool.

i swear.

2009-02-06T21:42:00.004+08:00

my heart is racing.

dragonboat is all i know.

2009-01-28T20:58:00.002+08:00

ok! i'm back to blog.. hehe i took a longggg time cracking up my brain just to get into this thing cos i kinda forgot my pw and stuff. hmm. i don't really have anything to blog about like seriously. smth random, there's this talk today by a "well-known" designer, and he's super lame until i cannot remember his jokes. Hahaha. so funny. anyways, my birthday's over, christmas, new year's day and chinese new year too.. i made a wish then - i want a bf. and let's see when will he come. hahahaha! ok, assignments are pretty alright except ah woo's one, that, is driving me up to the wall and maybe i shld collect termites so it can "eat" up all the wood. Funny ?? ya!

valentine's coming. so sweet.

2008-11-14T00:20:00.003+08:00

OH MY GODDDD!!!

i'm super super tired..

i really need to slp, man!

anddd what the hell am i doing now ?

sending my friend that stupid file that is going to take 3hrs.

oh god.

and guess what is better?

sch is starting at 9am tmr. chicken shit.

and sub's assignment is not making my life any easier. Plus i'm listening to that "heal the world". Super HEALING man, esp my eyes.. it's shutting down. Haha! not funny actually.

deadline is next week and my layout haven't been "approved" by her yet.

Die la. actually, i have been dead several times so i guess it doesn't make a difference this time round. hehe.

ok, i think i better continue Healing, if not sub will "heal" me tmr.

STUPID IDIOT DAY

2008-11-13T00:12:00.002+08:00

HAHA!

aft soooo Long, i decided to post again.

ok, today is seriously NOT MY DAY.

my colour studies work decided to fly away... maybe to heaven.

and that stupid CS3 cannot work, and i don't know why. at first it was ok but the next moment.. it went to heaven too.

My Goodness.

seriously, i don't want to do that Herman's assignment in sch. it's so sucky.

i need somebody to cheer me up, man!

life is getting more and more screwed up.

i don't get to slp and it seems like going to sch is such a long journey everyday.

and it has been 100years since i last went shopping.

and i want to go to the movies.

anyone??

2008-07-12T21:34:00.002+08:00

(i hate to feel disappointed.)
Finally.. i bought my dslr! and off i went to take photos this morning. it feels really good but i guess i still have a lot learn. walking from chinatown all the way to bras basah made me look as if i'm half dead. i was late this morning, and guess what? My 2 very nice classmates who are suppose to meet me in the afternoon to do the project are late too. I guess Heaven is punnishing me. Haha! and national library is so ma fan. Go in have to check bag, as if somebody will bring kerosene to burn away the books.
i am really exhausted and the assignments are killing me.

& Don't you think that worrying and grumbling doesn't help at all?
i'm broke and i need to do some shopping instead of wasting my money on the bloody balsa wood.
it's so boring to be waiting for my photos to be uploaded.
and i want to sleep.
i want to eat chocolate.
OH MAN! durian stinks.

2008-07-06T12:39:00.002+08:00

I Hate My Life.
i don't know why. It seems like i do things for others not myself. i thought i found my passion, but then i think i lost it. i'm not that excited in doing things i used to anymore. suddenly i feel so lost. Everything seems to be crashing on me. and how can i handle it? i speak to no one becos there's no one. and why am i always at the back and call of others? why? why? why? am i such a lousy girl to deserve all this? how come i cannot even ask for what i want? afterall, what are friends for? and i learnt to keep my mouth shut all the time. i hate it, Man, i really hate it.
and i still have to smile like there's nothing wrong..
and i'm so sad and angry that i can't even cry.
this is so sucky.

2008-06-06T23:13:00.000+08:00

Thank you, Charis!
ask me out to shop in the end went off early... i didn't want to shop but still
bought like 3 shirts ,a skirt and shoes. and initially, i bought a dress but i went back to change it cos' i think it's too old for me. i think there's a devil disturbing me. so tada, i'm so thick skin to get my ass back to the shop.

and the best way to make me smile is to GO SHOPPING!
and i thought it's over.
but it's didn't.
cos' i saw a couple kissing at the overhead bridge.
i bet that guy has it all planned.

i'll be working for the whole entire week, OhMAN!
& i see money rolling in. =P

i'll smile like i deserve to.
cry when i need to.
turn and run away when i have to.

2008-06-06T10:56:00.001+08:00

i prefer livejournal then blogpsot..
but thennn.. hahaha!

i'll link up ppl when i have the time.
=D
till then!

cocky confidence yet friendly
playful yet focused
tall yet good-looking
most imptly he smiles.
and man, he's driving me crazy.
seriously, it's not getting anywhere.
but still, i'm happy.

i'm in love with his "focused" look.
i'm out of love becos he's taken.